By Sam Simmons
SO this will be not only my first white Christmas but my first Christmas completely alone, and I will be honest with you in saying I’m very much looking forward to it.
When I think of the typical Aussie Christmas experience, it’s quintessentially, prawns and beach cricket, cold beer and bikinis.
Whereas at my house in Hallet Cove in Adelaide, it’s dry turkey, warm sherry, farting nannas and festive tantrums.
Pop would sit at the head of the table looking like a half melted, wrinkly Errol Flynn struggling in the heat of a full blown Adelaide Chrissie heat wave.
He always had on one of those crepe paper Christmas hats and the combination of sweat and oil from his Brylcreem would start to soak through the crepe paper, so much so that by the time lunch was served his hat was shimmering, like a bag of fish and chips stuck to his forehead.
My brother was a Goth and would sit in the corner and moan, playing video games, skolling a ceramic Garfield mug full of secret stolen champagne so sharp it tasted like liquid nails.
Meanwhile mum would flap around the kitchen like a wounded swan in a soapy bathtub, continually apologising for how dry the turkey was. “Oh no, it’s so moist,” we would cry in unison, “in fact if this turkey was any more moist it would be soup!”
Then would come the shitty gift exchange, we would do Kris Kringle or Secret Santa, where my aunt would organise a different person to buy one present “not over a $30!!” for one family member.
Subsequently I didn’t receive even a half decent Christmas present before the age of 22.
In fact, when I was seven, I was given a hand drawn pencil sketch of the cartoon cast of He-Man. It looked like it had been drawn by Hanna Barbera with a heroin problem, battling stroke medication, rolling down hill in a shopping trolley, drunk.
Then would come the inevitable Christmas argument between my Aunty Beryl and the half melted pop. And of course my uncle Ron would get weirdly drunk and inappropriate by leering over my sister remarking on how much she had “filled out” during the year.
One festive night I remember vividly – our Christmas tree was flashing so violently it caused the little boy next door to have an epileptic seizure on our front lawn — ‘seizures greetings’!
And so, the thought of a lonely Christmas spent wrapped up under a blanket watching DVDs and eating tacos, sounds very Christmassy to me indeed*.
Merry yeah yeah yeah…
*If you would like to invite me to your lonely orphan-like celebration please tweet me @samsimmonss @australiantimes … (I’m lonely…)
Don’t miss Sam Simmons at the Soho Theatre from 14 December — 7 January.
Also view the top 5 Australian Christmas songs and play the Advent Calendar to win Christmas presents