By Andy McCourt
Hello fair people of Great Britain! Greetings from the azure skies and jonquil-yellow beaches of Australia, jolly John and Jane Bulls! Yes, you know who you are; cheeky chappies and lasses who have been naughtily skipping your studies for intense sports training!
Oh what a surprise you’ve given all of us here Down Under! We think you’ve all done smashingly well collecting all those Olympic gongs. Crikey! Who ever would have thought….well I never…love a duck (or some other genus of poultry).
Well, British friends, now’s the time to think about your futures. Fed up of running 42 kilometres in the pouring rain? Tired of getting up at 2am to hack through the ice at Henley so you can get a training row in before it freezes over again? Are your Event Horses refusing to come out of the stables just because there is an Arctic blizzard outside? Is Piers Morgan getting on your nerves? Sorry, that’s stating the bleedin’ obvious eh, chortle, chortle? Well, Jeremy Clarkson and all the other Jeremies then?
Are you driven to distraction by re-runs of Midsommer Murders? Towie? Corrie? Care to resume eating proper seafood after that dodgy whelk hospitalised you for six months? Got ricketts? Enough said. What about Tony Blair? He COULD be back you know…how would you fancy that? And cyclists! Want to rub shoulders with a Tour-de-France winner? (OK, forget that bit…)
Here’s the answer brave Britons! Hectors, Lysanders, Boadicias and Britannias…migrate to Australia! Ten quid’ll do it, just like the 1960s. This renewed Aussie initiative will have you boosting your vitamin D levels the natural way in no time at all!
Imagine! Swimming through clear blue Pacific waters instead of just going through the motions at Brighton! Running barefoot through squeaky sands without getting Hep B. Fresh fruit and vegetables that don’t register a single click on a Geiger Counter. Steaks that come from entirely sane cattle; not those that think they are badgers. All this…and we have a Queen too! Several, if you decide to settle in Darlinghurst.
Yes, now is the time to secure your future and reap the rewards of your Herculean efforts, good British athletes! Grab a tenner and take a stroll down the Strand today and apply at Australia House. A fantastic new life in Australia awaits you sporting gurus — complete with fast-tracked Australian citizenship! You’ll be the envy of Rio in four years time, and girt by sea before you know it.
But be quick – before those now very sporting Olympic Kiwis take most of the places!
PS: As a special incentive, Rolf Harris has agreed to remain a UK resident!