What happens when the person you trust is the one you feel least safe with? For 1.7 million Australians, this is their reality.
The Relationship Indicators Survey revealed that around 8.8% of Australians feel unsafe disagreeing with their most important person. Alarmingly, this feeling of unsafety isn’t limited to romantic partners; people who identified a sibling, parent, aunt, or nephew as their closest relationship were also affected.
Controlling behaviours and feelings of unsafety do not always amount to violence, but they are often red flags—early warning signs of deeper problems. One of the hidden drivers behind this sense of risk is criticism.
Criticism is often brushed off as “just being honest” or “trying to help.” Yet in practice, its impact on relationships is far from harmless. Criticism has been reported to be involved in the majority of descriptions of hurtful events and makes up a category of hurtful interactions in romantic relationships. On the other hand, positive attributions can also be made about criticism, such as constructive criticism, which can be interpreted as promoting understanding and providing direction for improvement.
Even so, Dee Tozer—Elite Master Coach for Couples, CEO of Dee Tozer International Pty Ltd, Couples Therapy Master, and author of Affair Repair, has seen how quickly criticism can shift from being constructive to corrosive. With more than 30 years of experience helping couples in crisis, many on the brink of separation due to infidelity, hostility, or ongoing conflict, she has identified criticism as one of the most damaging forces in a relationship.
Through her intensive 12-week program, Dee has helped thousands of couples move from despair to reconnection. Her professional expertise, research, and personal journey through two painful divorces have all pointed to one core truth: while some forms of feedback may be constructive, persistent criticism erodes intimacy, leaving partners feeling unloved, judged, and disconnected. Left unchecked, it can turn love into fear, and connection into distance.
From Psychologist to Elite Master Coach for Couples
Dee’s career began in psychology after 15 years as a teacher. Initially, her clients sought her help for anxiety, depression, and grief. Yet time and time again, she noticed that the root of their pain was tied to what was happening at home, especially relationship breakdowns.
Even before couples therapy was common outside of church-based marriage guidance, Dee instinctively began inviting spouses into the conversation. She quickly recognised a repeating pattern: criticism was almost always at the heart of their disconnection.
“No one feels good about being criticised,” Dee explains. “We call it ‘constructive criticism,’ but humans don’t receive it that way. What’s meant as helpful lands as judgment. It chips away at self-worth and love.”
Over time, she refined her approach, tracking results, experimenting with different program lengths, and identifying the fastest, most effective methods to stabilise distressed couples.
How Criticism Creeps In
Criticism rarely starts with big issues. Instead, it seeps into daily life in subtle ways:
- Complaints about household chores (“You never stack the dishwasher properly”)
- Irritation over small habits (“Why do you always leave the lights on?”)
- Judgments around shared spaces (“You park so badly in the garage”)
- Even critiques of personal style, communication, or driving
At first glance, these may seem trivial. But over time, the accumulation of small criticisms creates an environment where one or both partners feel constantly judged, never good enough, and unloved.
“It’s easier to criticise than to praise,” Dee notes. “But every criticism carries an undertone of disapproval. That disapproval is what kills desire, intimacy, and warmth in a partnership.”
Instead of bringing couples closer, criticism builds walls. One partner feels attacked, the other feels unheard, and both retreat emotionally. Eventually, the lovingness that once defined the relationship is muted.
Why Criticism Destroys Lovingness
Dee points out that long-term relationships are especially vulnerable. Early in a romance, couples are open and curious about each other’s quirks. Over time, however, habits that once felt endearing become sources of irritation. Without tools to manage those feelings, criticism becomes the default mode of communication.
This pattern creates a cycle: criticism leads to disconnection, disconnection leads to lack of intimacy, and lack of intimacy triggers even more criticism. Left unchecked, this cycle can push couples toward separation.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news, according to Dee, is that criticism can be replaced with positive, constructive communication. The key lies in small but powerful shifts:
- Pause before speaking – Recognise the impulse to criticise and take a breath.
- Reframe the thought – Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, consider what loving or supportive words could be said.
- Use tone wisely – Even the right words can feel critical if delivered with sharpness or sarcasm.
- Replace criticism with requests – Rather than “You never help with the dishes,” try “I’d love it if we could share the dishes tonight.”
- Practice acknowledgement and praise – Reinforce positive behaviours instead of only pointing out negatives.
These small changes not only reduce conflict but also reopen hearts. As Dee explains, “To have your partner’s ears open, their heart must be open. Loving communication creates that openness.”
Advice for Couples Everywhere
Not everyone has access to Dee’s program, but her advice for those struggling with criticism is simple: pause and shift.
“Before speaking, ask yourself: how can I lovingly frame this? What do I love about my partner? How can I encourage instead of criticise?” she says.
Dee stresses that justifying criticism doesn’t work. “There’s no such thing as constructive criticism,” she explains. “But there is constructive feedback and guidance—when it’s given in a loving, kind way.”
By learning to pause, reframe, and replace criticism with love, couples can protect the closeness that makes their relationship thrive.
