Never trust a sport where there are more judges than competitors (yes, you, synchronised diving). A pair of greased-up grapplers are overseen by SIX officials, with at least two of those in charge of patching up any ripped spandex. Just because the Ancient Greeks liked it doesn’t make it right.
2. Synchronised Swimming
Aside from looking ridiculous, is this the fussiest event out there? You lose points for taking too long to get into the pool. You lose points if you touch the bottom of the pool. And it’s women only, so don’t be a man, or you’ll lose points for that as well.
‘The only Olympic event where men and women compete on a level playing field’. Except they don’t, do they? While the rider takes a gold medal, the poor creature doing all the donkey work makes do with a carrot and a bucket of water. As for making horses prance around for the Dressage bit? Just say neigh.
4. Beach Volleyball
“I’m watching the women for their technical prowess,” said the balding, middle-aged fat man. Yeah, right. As it happens, this event is right at home on the sands of Rio’s Copacabana beach. But let’s leave it there, shall we?
One of the rules for this pursuit states that each competitor’s mum must be present to put plasters on any scraped knees. All events must be completed in time for the riders to have dinner and finish their homework before bedtime. Watch out for rogue skateboarders on the jumps.
6. Marathon Swimming
The pinnacle of a sport? Quite possibly. An almighty feat of physical and mental endurance that commands total respect? Definitely. Thrashing your arms and legs around in the open ocean? SHAAARRRKKK!
Here’s one to tee off about. Does Jordan Spieth really look like he plays golf ‘for America’? Of course he doesn’t. And he’s not alone – hence the raft of big-name withdrawals despite this hobby’s supposedly glorious return to the Games. The greatest show on earth will drive on happily without these millionaire individuals. There’s no better putt down than that.