You will find them passed out in a bush, pants around their ankles with someone else’s underwear on.
They’ll wake up and they’ll laugh, and they’ll say, “That was the best night ever,” as they crack their morning beer. You’ll be embarrassed but they won’t care, because they’re the kind of dickhead that Stoke Travels.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels, because they are content with abundance as opposed to refinement. They won’t shower you in expensive gifts, fancy champagne and degustation menus but will literally pour cheaply made sangria on your head. Dinners will become a communal affair. You will have to learn the infinite delights of the mass-produced rice dish, the rishitto (risotto, but shit), and the plastic plate BBQ. If you date someone who Stoke Travels you will eat these meals in the dirt, covered in the sticky residue of your cheap sangria shower.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels, as your lovemaking will be shared with all the other dickheads who Stoke Travel. The nylon that they make tents with doesn’t prevent sound from travelling — at all — and when four interlocking feet protrude from an undulating and screaming tent everyone will know what’s up.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels, because the sex will be drunk, your inhibitions will be gone and everything will be loud and prolonged. The morning after will be embarrassing when you emerge from your tent to the cheers of your fellow Stoke Travel dickheads.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels, as they will share all of your stories with people from all over the world. They will enter into raconteuring arms races with people from all over the globe and in order to impress their fellows they will tell these international strangers all of your deepest, darkest secrets. That time that you got dysentery and shat yourself from Bangkok to Chiang Mai? Everybody will know. That “accidental” handjob from a transvestite in a Brussels public toilet? Public knowledge.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels because Stoke are cheap. If they weren’t cheap you’d be staying in the Hilton, eating at restaurants and drinking in bars.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels because they put having fun before everything else.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels because they want to see the world, meet everyone in it, have as much fun as possible and not give a damn about anything else.
Don’t date a dickhead who Stoke Travels because that dickhead is you.
By Wade Gravy – a member of the Stoke Travel team. Yes, he is a dickhead too. For more info about trips with Stoke Travel, visit StokeTravel.com
Also by Wade Gravy:
San Vino. Aka the Wine Fight. Aka Batalla de Vino.
The Olympics are all about sport, the Village and sex!