What your cup of tea says about you

What your cup of tea says about you

I think I can speak for most Australians when I say that for Aussies, drinking a cup of tea is like shopping for anti-fungal cream – it’s not something that you would want your mates to see you doing.

Cuppa tea
By Liam Flanagan
I’M not sure what exactly has led me to the website for the United Kingdom Tea Council. But as I sit and watch their “cups of tea consumed in the UK so far today” counter tick past 103 million and realise it’s only 3pm in the afternoon, I’m forced to re-evaluate the mug of boiling water mixed with dry leaves that sits in front of me.

I think I can speak for most Australians (well, I ran the idea past my two Australian housemates) when I say that for most Aussies, drinking a cup of tea is like shopping for anti-fungal cream – it’s not something that you would want your mates to see you doing. And yet since settling in London, I find myself drinking the stuff like it’s going out of fashion. Normally I drink when I’m thirsty and eat when I’m hungry. Tea fits in neither of these categories. And yet every day when the offer of a ‘brew’ is thrown up, I find myself handing over my ‘World’s Best Lover’ mug and confidently stating, “white, no sugar”.

I consider myself a simple man with simple pleasures and a cup of black tea with a splash of milk is almost as simple as you can get in the tea world. I also elect for this flavour to avoid the inevitable snort of derision or high school giggle that would surely accompany any order for “a cranberry, vanilla and petunia tea”.

So for any Australians who are nervous about dipping their tongues into the communal office teapot (that adjusted proverb sounded less disgusting in my head), see below for what your colleagues will translate your tea order to mean about you.

Black tea
You’re a simple person with simple needs. You know that our time on this planet is short and shouldn’t be wasted mixing flowers and herbs to flavour what is essentially hot water.

Green tea
You like to think of yourself as being health conscious and alternative. In reality you got caught up in ‘The Great Green Tea Craze of 2005’ and now you’re too scared to ask for anything else. 

White tea
You’re a trend setter. You used to drink Green tea until it became the “cool” thing to drink. Now you drink white tea, until that becomes the “cool” thing to drink at which point you’ll move onto Mother-of-Pearl tea.

English breakfast
You’re constantly disappointed that your tea doesn’t taste more like eggs, bacon and black pudding. 

Earl Grey tea
You expect that your drink will be delivered to you in a fine bone china cup on a delicate saucer and that, should it not be to your liking, hurling it at a wall is a perfectly reasonable response. In short, you’re a bit of a muppet. 

Hot water + lemon
You’re the tea equivalent of a decaf coffee drinker and in future you will most likely not be told if someone is putting the kettle on as you’re deemed unworthy of a place in the tea run.

Which one are you? Comment below right now:


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